Support 4 #WASO

This is my post supporting the Weekly Adoption Shout Out (#WASO), episode #36, whose suggested theme is “support”. :}

I could, to fulfil this theme, go over the many points I’ve made under my Post-adoption support tag, but those who’re already reading me ‘ve probably read much of that lot already, and those who’re new to this blog via this post aren’t gonna wanna wade through a tag’s worth of posts before you’ve finished reading this first post. Thus, instead of talking about the lack of post-adoption support that adoptees receive, I’m going to talk about the support that I have had. Predominantly, this support has been from within the Adoption Community, however, I do have the privilege of having some exceptional non-adoption related friends, many who have seen me at the lowest points of my life. That those people are still willing to be associated with me is in itself is priceless support.

The Adoption Community is, like all niches, a conglomeration of extremes. I’ve been lucky enough to find some of the sanest (they’ll deny every word of it ;)) of the bunch that there is. I’d love to do name lists ‘n’ stuff like that, but when I do that I’m always worried I’ll upset someone by them not being remembered in time for listing, so instead I’m going to talk about how important the type of support that adoptees can give other adoptees is.

I haven’t, sadly, had all that much opportunity to talk to adoptee-comprehending people in Real Life(tm), thus the virtual support I get through my Internet connection is pretty much the only chance I get to acquire conversations with people with whom I don’t have to preface everything I say about my life with why it’s adoptee-triggery. I am talking to people who’ve accepted that no matter what their current station in life, the effects that adoption and all that it entails has had upon their lives actually has influenced the way they deal with Life(tm) and the triggery things it throws at us. This is what we mean by adoption honesty.

It doesn’t matter if we’ve been ‘lucky enough’ to have ragingly successful careers, or managed to bag a Job For Life as soon as we left school, or not found a Job(tm) until we’re beyond 40; our adoption continues to impact us on a daily basis in ways that the non-adopted don’t (usually) realise. Genealogy is big business and there are ad’s from Ancestry and Genes Reunited across T.V., radio, everywhere now – yet what does the adoptee get told? this yearning for some stranger who gave you up because of a biological link is a slap in the face

Adoptees have to deal with this sort of stuff often, and so finding educated adoptees who’ve been able to help me learn where the information about $subject is has been incredibly helpful in learning how to deal with such seeming dichotomies. We aren’t supposed to want to know from whence we came, unlike the rest of the population. We’re instead supposed to form an attachment to our adopted lines, which stops when it hits us anyway ’cause we don’t count. We’re not blood.

If bloodlines don’t count, then why is 23andme and all t’other tracing companies growing so fast?

Other adoptees understand how confusing these thoughts get, and the gamut of emotions they can engender. Other adoptees help guide us down in ways others can’t begin to get near.

A Safe Place for Adoptees

This post has been written specifically for inclusion within Weekly Adoption Shout Out #32.

Being as ‘lucky’ as I have been throughout my life, I was fortunate to first arrive on the Internet at uk.religion.pagan; a Usenet Newsgroup comprised not only of pagans, but of intellectual Geeks. It was through these wonderful people that I learned rapidly there is no such thing as “safe” on the Internet. No matter how locked down we may think something is, if it’s on a computer connected to another computer then it’s no longer “safe”.

All that being said, Social Networking now has all sorts of niches for people to more or less ‘hideaway’ in, even if they’re not entirely secure. Adoptees are no exception in finding places to go to meet other adoptees because it is mindbendingly awesome to be able to have a conversation with someone who doesn’t need everything explaining.

My early experiences of discussing adoption was, again, on Usenet within the uk. hierarchy. I did take a nose over at alt.adoption, but wasn’t too keen on the insanities that seemed to permeate alt. in general. I drifted around the adoption communities on LiveJournal and such like, and even created one too, but it wasn’t until I found the Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change fora that I first felt I’d found somewhere where I could feel “safe” sharing my whole experience as an adoptee.

While the growth of social networking media has increased the places available to adoptees for meet in, as different people sign up to use different services the ability to connect has become more disparate while seemingly more accessible. I think this is why I’ve settled so firmly now over on Facebook, since it’s the most people I’ve encountered in one place that’s at least relatively easy (for me) to keep track of. While access to personal accounts is dependant “friendings”, the ease with which both groups and pages can be created has lead to an explosion of adoptee and adoption related places to be able to go. Indeed, in an effort to get as many linkable places as possible in which to be able to ‘direct’ adoption related traffic, I’ve done my fair share of page and group creation[1], several of which are adoptee specific because my time on AAAfC has taught me how vitally important having somewhere to go to be able to talk with other adoptees has been.

All is not peaceful over within the multitude of groups, however. There is an assumed (false) dichotomy between the so-called happy adoptees in relation to the angry adoptees that leaks over these groups and creates rifts severing adoptees from other adoptees. Being a designated “angry adoptee”, I have often been at the booted end of such rifts, with the latest being my expulsion from I AM ADOPTED over on FB as a result of my refusal to accept adoption being the wonderful option that seemingly grateful and happy adoptees deem it is. Yet this dichotomy appears somewhat one-sided as I don’t recall encountering “happy” adoptees being booted from those places that don’t insist on a state-of-mind for its adoptee members. Indeed, I consciously make the point within the adoptee-specific groups that I run that the only defining factor for membership is that someone actually is an adoptee (apart from in Adoptees Against Adoption, obviously). Then again, I have had adoptees leave them because I do not reign in those who pour disdain and scorn on the institution of adoption, claiming that they are being bullied because they’re happy and/or grateful for adoption.

So is there a win-win situation where ALL adoptees can come together to improve the institution of adoption for those that follow in our adoptee footsteps? I’d like to think there are, and part of the raison d’être for the vast majority of the groups I create is to provide such spaces where ALL adoptees can gather. Unfortunately, I’m not (yet) convinced that such a place will truly exist, at least not in the near future, as there are far too many people who get bent out of shape by the perspectives of others when those perspectives fail to match-up with their own views.

I find that to be a saddening conclusion to reach.

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The following are pages I happened upon while seeking out links for the creation of this post that I haven’t used, but that I still want to share.

An adoptee model for activism @ Harlow’s Monkey

The Adoption Cyber Bully Map @ MotL

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Footnotes

[1]
My (adoptionesque) Pages

Adoption Answers & Adoption UK & UK Adoption & UK Adoptees & Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change – UK & Adoptee Awareness & Post Adoption Charity & Abortion, not adoption & Adoption hurts kids! Support Adoption Reform now. & Adopted in the UK & The Lucky Adoptee

[*mine] (adoptionesque) Groups

Public
Adopted in the UK & *Adoptee Awareness & Adoptees on Adoption & *Adoption Mania & Adoption Sucks & Adoption Truth and Transparency Worldwide Network & Adopting-Back Our Children / Adoptees Terminating Adoptions & Alt.Adoption & *Anti-Adoption & Bastard Nation & *I AM ADOPTED TOO & Life….Adopted! & *Pimping Adoption & Stolen Children of the UK & Stop Forced Adoption – JFF Awareness Week – it could be you

Closed
*Adoptees Against Adoption & Adoptee Support & Adoption and beyond & AdoptionUK & *Midlands Adoptees & *UK Adoptees & You Know You’re Adopted When… & You know you’re an adoptee when…