Adopted in the UK

The life of a UK adoptee

{2 of 30} Is this really the place for negative comments?

with 9 comments

I got asked this last night.

Well, I say *I* got asked it; what I really mean is that those very few of us who were in there fighting against the tide of …

We are in the final stages of adopting … can’t wait till he has our name and he is forever mine

… and …

I tell people that he may not have been conceived BY my husband and I but he was conceived FOR us…no doubt!

… got asked it when we started doing things like spelling out the actual truths of the issues.

In particular, one of the comments incensed those of us in there who actually understand the very real horrors of what it means to be adopted:

I have a 19mn old girl. She came into my world at 2wks. I have been fighting for her since. There is a threat of her leaving to a family member she has meet 1 time just last month. Please pray for her to stay with her known family. And i can have the joy to adopt

So we called her on it. We pointed out that to fight to keep a kid OUT of, and separated from, her OWN genealogical kin is nothing short of child abuse.

Indeed, far from showing how wunnerful adoption is, this woman’s post actually highlights the utter depravity that adopters indulge in to get “kids to call our own“. It demonstrates, along with the comment of …

one minute thinking your dream if having a family will happen and the next realizing that a family member may get the chance to raise the beautiful children

… that adoption STILL is not about doing what’s best for the kids, but doing what’s best for the wannabe-adopters.

So then we got asked the question of the title, and told that we should be leaving it for positive stories. As is my wont, I replied at length, asking questions such as…

1. Please tell me how can EVER be seen as in any way positive? And look at the date, this isn’t ancient history, but LAST MONTH!

2. Please explain how an INDUSTRY making $$$millions, as highlighted in can be seen positively?

I also pointed out that if they actually TRULY loved the kids they’re raising (or hoping to be able to buy to raise), then they would want to read and understand the truths of what we’re telling them, so that – unlike my own adopters (who are (were, adad died over a decade ago) utterly wonderful people whom I love very much) – they can have a clue how to deal with the issues that those growing up adopted face and have to deal with on a daily basis FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.

After all, surely if you love the kid you’re raising – whether that be ’cause you created your own, or adopted, or fostered, or have step-kids, or are kinship carers – then you want as much information as humanly possible available to you in order to do the best job you can?

So yes, any thread where people are wittering on about how wunnerful adoption is IS the place for negative comments, because really, they’re not “negative” comments, but “honest” comments, sharing the truths of the issues that NEED to be dealt with so that the kid being raised can be helped as much as possible to grow up as healthy as possible.

Written by 7rin

Fri, 2 November, 2012 at 1:25 pm

9 Responses

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  1. I loved my adoptive parents. They were better people than my birth family, who were more interested in keeping up appearances than raising an illegitimate child. If I had been kept I would have been a second class citizen in my own family. Lucky me, to adopted be :-)

    RouX Renard

    Fri, 2 November, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    • Shame that – as an adoptee – we’re second-class citizens, period.

      I’d be interested to know why you think you needed to be IRREVOCABLY legally severed from YOUR OWN genealogical heritage, just to be able to be raised with the love and care that ALL kids should be raised in? Surely it’s far better to be raised honestly – as someone else’s child with YOUR OWN identity – than forced into the pretence of being someone you’re not (as if born unto)?

      Glad to see you’re still around btw. You’ve been awfully quiet over on UK Adoptees. Hope all is well with you ‘n’ yours.


      Fri, 2 November, 2012 at 2:15 pm

      • Hi 7rin. There are two different issues here, that seem to get mixed up a lot. In my case, I was not taken from my birth parents, I was rescued by my adoptive parents. At 18 people can look at their records. If they are interested. Nothing irrevocable about it. I have become an expert in yDNA, so I may change my surname to what it actually is. I can if I want to. I fully accept that in some cases children ARE taken from their birth parents, but usually for very good reasons. However, they too can get their records at 18 if they want to. No system is perfect, but I think an imperfect adoption system is better than no adoption system.


        Fri, 28 December, 2012 at 10:59 pm

    • I expect that would have been the same for me if I had been kept by my birth family. They certainly treat me like a second or third class citizen now – so wouldn’t have been much fun growing up I expect.


      Fri, 28 December, 2012 at 1:02 pm

      • Yes, I think so. There’s a lot of ‘Little Orphan Annie thinking’ around. I have done a bit myself. However, despite my birth being covered up 60 years ago, I think I’ve found my birth Dad! After six years searching. Using yDNA I discovered my surname. I approached him for ‘help’ to find where I fit in to the family. He knows he’s in the frame, he hasn’t admitted it, but he hasn’t denied it. We are getting on OK and he seems genuinely pleased when I ring up. I hope to introduce him to my daughter soon (his first granddaughter?). That might tip him into admitting it, IF he is my Dad. My beautiful adoptive parents and my birth Mum are dead, so it would be nice to have some time with my birth Dad IF it’s him.


        Fri, 28 December, 2012 at 10:50 pm

  2. >I’d be interested to know why you think you needed to be IRREVOCABLY legally severed from YOUR >OWN genealogical heritage, just to be able to be raised with the love and care that ALL kids should be >raised in?

    That’s an interesting question. Our oldest daughter joined our family as a teenager, after a nightmare of a childhood. She chose to sever herself from her original family after she became an adult and could consent to her own adoption. I believe in her case it was like being reborn and she wanted to make it legal, and forever. We would not have pushed her to do it – we loved her like a daughter already, but she wanted to actually legally be our daughter.

    In my case I was adopted as an infant, in 1967. I think if I had been raised having a different last name than my parents in that era, when such things were not common, there would have been a lot of questions and even more people saying I wasn’t my parents’ *real* daughter, etc.


    Fri, 2 November, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    • *nods* While there’s probably not many people who’d believe it, I have actually helped a friend of mine get an adoption (two actually) done. It was for older kids who actually wanted this for themselves and had made the choice themselves that they wanted the adoption to happen. When it’s someone’s choice, I have absolutely no problem with it. It’s because we have no choice once it’s done TO us that I have a problem with it – hence my creation of the petition to Allow adult adoptees to be repatriated into THEIR OWN families.

      In our cases – the adopted as infants scenario – I don’t disagree that having different surnames could (and probably still would) cause problems. However, I don’t think that the way to solve that problem is by IRREVOCABLY legally severing the child from their own heritage. Not sure about where you are, but in the UK it’s possible to change names through Deed Poll (an example can be found HERE) for free, and it means that a legal change of name can be done WITHOUT irrevocably legally severing the person from their own genealogical heritage. I think that’s a far saner and much less destructive method.

      I’m not sure – given the public perceptions of adoptees – that we’ll ever get past the whole “real” crap though. *sighs*


      Sat, 3 November, 2012 at 9:23 pm

  3. “I have a 19mn old girl. She came into my world at 2wks. I have been fighting for her since. There is a threat of her leaving to a family member she has meet 1 time just last month.”

    This is horrifying. This person is being very short-sighted. When “her” daughter grows up and understands that her family *wanted* to keep her, but this woman acted to keep them apart, things will not go well for this woman. Ugh.


    Fri, 2 November, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    • That’s pretty much exactly the answer I gave her.


      Sat, 3 November, 2012 at 9:24 pm

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