Adopted in the UK

The life of a UK adoptee

Posts Tagged ‘Socialisation

Support 4 #WASO

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This is my post supporting the Weekly Adoption Shout Out (#WASO), episode #36, whose suggested theme is “support”. :}

I could, to fulfil this theme, go over the many points I’ve made under my Post-adoption support tag, but those who’re already reading me ‘ve probably read much of that lot already, and those who’re new to this blog via this post aren’t gonna wanna wade through a tag’s worth of posts before you’ve finished reading this first post. Thus, instead of talking about the lack of post-adoption support that adoptees receive, I’m going to talk about the support that I have had. Predominantly, this support has been from within the Adoption Community, however, I do have the privilege of having some exceptional non-adoption related friends, many who have seen me at the lowest points of my life. That those people are still willing to be associated with me is in itself is priceless support.

The Adoption Community is, like all niches, a conglomeration of extremes. I’ve been lucky enough to find some of the sanest (they’ll deny every word of it ;)) of the bunch that there is. I’d love to do name lists ‘n’ stuff like that, but when I do that I’m always worried I’ll upset someone by them not being remembered in time for listing, so instead I’m going to talk about how important the type of support that adoptees can give other adoptees is.

I haven’t, sadly, had all that much opportunity to talk to adoptee-comprehending people in Real Life(tm), thus the virtual support I get through my Internet connection is pretty much the only chance I get to acquire conversations with people with whom I don’t have to preface everything I say about my life with why it’s adoptee-triggery. I am talking to people who’ve accepted that no matter what their current station in life, the effects that adoption and all that it entails has had upon their lives actually has influenced the way they deal with Life(tm) and the triggery things it throws at us. This is what we mean by adoption honesty.

It doesn’t matter if we’ve been ‘lucky enough’ to have ragingly successful careers, or managed to bag a Job For Life as soon as we left school, or not found a Job(tm) until we’re beyond 40; our adoption continues to impact us on a daily basis in ways that the non-adopted don’t (usually) realise. Genealogy is big business and there are ad’s from Ancestry and Genes Reunited across T.V., radio, everywhere now – yet what does the adoptee get told? this yearning for some stranger who gave you up because of a biological link is a slap in the face

Adoptees have to deal with this sort of stuff often, and so finding educated adoptees who’ve been able to help me learn where the information about $subject is has been incredibly helpful in learning how to deal with such seeming dichotomies. We aren’t supposed to want to know from whence we came, unlike the rest of the population. We’re instead supposed to form an attachment to our adopted lines, which stops when it hits us anyway ’cause we don’t count. We’re not blood.

If bloodlines don’t count, then why is 23andme and all t’other tracing companies growing so fast?

Other adoptees understand how confusing these thoughts get, and the gamut of emotions they can engender. Other adoptees help guide us down in ways others can’t begin to get near.

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Written by 7rin

Sun, 29 September, 2013 at 5:16 am

See, Joss DOES grok adoptees

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In the Jezebel post Joss Whedon Is Pissed That There Aren’t More Superheroine Movies, Joss yet again demonstrates (again inadvertently) that contrary to the belief of some he DOES grok adoptee stuff.

How can I tell this? From his quoted comment that says:

I read a beautiful thing Junot Diaz wrote: “If you want to make a human being into a monster, deny them, at the cultural level, any reflection of themselves.”

Ok, so this is probably intending to be from a “feminist” angle, but given that the two other tabs I’ve had open for the past few hours are Adoption is a Feminist Issue and Mother chimps crucial for offspring’s social skills, I think they all fit well into one post. Of course, I could waffle trying to artistically tie it all together, but I’ve been stuck here ages trying to clean up enough to be able to respond to Sir @martinnarey’s call for explanation, and so I’m knackered, so I’m just linking ‘n’ going to bed.

Written by 7rin

Sat, 7 September, 2013 at 4:08 am

Suitable Adoptees

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Alternatively, fostering can be a staging post to adoption (for example, until suitable adoptees are matched).

Maybe NOW people’ll start believing that adoption is FUCK ALL to do with what’s best for the damn kid. WTF should the damn ADOPTEE be the one who has to be suitable?????

> >Linky < <

(Old post I know, just tripped over it going through me drafts folder.)

Written by 7rin

Sat, 7 September, 2013 at 1:50 am

A Safe Place for Adoptees

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This post has been written specifically for inclusion within Weekly Adoption Shout Out #32.

Being as ‘lucky’ as I have been throughout my life, I was fortunate to first arrive on the Internet at uk.religion.pagan; a Usenet Newsgroup comprised not only of pagans, but of intellectual Geeks. It was through these wonderful people that I learned rapidly there is no such thing as “safe” on the Internet. No matter how locked down we may think something is, if it’s on a computer connected to another computer then it’s no longer “safe”.

All that being said, Social Networking now has all sorts of niches for people to more or less ‘hideaway’ in, even if they’re not entirely secure. Adoptees are no exception in finding places to go to meet other adoptees because it is mindbendingly awesome to be able to have a conversation with someone who doesn’t need everything explaining.

My early experiences of discussing adoption was, again, on Usenet within the uk. hierarchy. I did take a nose over at alt.adoption, but wasn’t too keen on the insanities that seemed to permeate alt. in general. I drifted around the adoption communities on LiveJournal and such like, and even created one too, but it wasn’t until I found the Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change fora that I first felt I’d found somewhere where I could feel “safe” sharing my whole experience as an adoptee.

While the growth of social networking media has increased the places available to adoptees for meet in, as different people sign up to use different services the ability to connect has become more disparate while seemingly more accessible. I think this is why I’ve settled so firmly now over on Facebook, since it’s the most people I’ve encountered in one place that’s at least relatively easy (for me) to keep track of. While access to personal accounts is dependant “friendings”, the ease with which both groups and pages can be created has lead to an explosion of adoptee and adoption related places to be able to go. Indeed, in an effort to get as many linkable places as possible in which to be able to ‘direct’ adoption related traffic, I’ve done my fair share of page and group creation[1], several of which are adoptee specific because my time on AAAfC has taught me how vitally important having somewhere to go to be able to talk with other adoptees has been.

All is not peaceful over within the multitude of groups, however. There is an assumed (false) dichotomy between the so-called happy adoptees in relation to the angry adoptees that leaks over these groups and creates rifts severing adoptees from other adoptees. Being a designated “angry adoptee”, I have often been at the booted end of such rifts, with the latest being my expulsion from I AM ADOPTED over on FB as a result of my refusal to accept adoption being the wonderful option that seemingly grateful and happy adoptees deem it is. Yet this dichotomy appears somewhat one-sided as I don’t recall encountering “happy” adoptees being booted from those places that don’t insist on a state-of-mind for its adoptee members. Indeed, I consciously make the point within the adoptee-specific groups that I run that the only defining factor for membership is that someone actually is an adoptee (apart from in Adoptees Against Adoption, obviously). Then again, I have had adoptees leave them because I do not reign in those who pour disdain and scorn on the institution of adoption, claiming that they are being bullied because they’re happy and/or grateful for adoption.

So is there a win-win situation where ALL adoptees can come together to improve the institution of adoption for those that follow in our adoptee footsteps? I’d like to think there are, and part of the raison d’être for the vast majority of the groups I create is to provide such spaces where ALL adoptees can gather. Unfortunately, I’m not (yet) convinced that such a place will truly exist, at least not in the near future, as there are far too many people who get bent out of shape by the perspectives of others when those perspectives fail to match-up with their own views.

I find that to be a saddening conclusion to reach.



 
The following are pages I happened upon while seeking out links for the creation of this post that I haven’t used, but that I still want to share.

An adoptee model for activism @ Harlow’s Monkey

The Adoption Cyber Bully Map @ MotL



 
Footnotes

[1]
My (adoptionesque) Pages

Adoption Answers & Adoption UK & UK Adoption & UK Adoptees & Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change – UK & Adoptee Awareness & Post Adoption Charity & Abortion, not adoption & Adoption hurts kids! Support Adoption Reform now. & Adopted in the UK & The Lucky Adoptee

[*mine] (adoptionesque) Groups

Public
Adopted in the UK & *Adoptee Awareness & Adoptees on Adoption & *Adoption Mania & Adoption Sucks & Adoption Truth and Transparency Worldwide Network & Adopting-Back Our Children / Adoptees Terminating Adoptions & Alt.Adoption & *Anti-Adoption & Bastard Nation & *I AM ADOPTED TOO & Life….Adopted! & *Pimping Adoption & Stolen Children of the UK & Stop Forced Adoption – JFF Awareness Week – it could be you

Closed
*Adoptees Against Adoption & Adoptee Support & Adoption and beyond & AdoptionUK & *Midlands Adoptees & *UK Adoptees & You Know You’re Adopted When… & You know you’re an adoptee when…

Written by 7rin

Sun, 1 September, 2013 at 6:40 pm

Adoption teaches

with 2 comments

Adoption is what you do when you can’t have kids.
Fostering is what you do when you want to help kids.

Those are two of the things I “learned” growing up as an adoptee.

I also picked up many other things too, but I’m writing about these things because they came up in my answer on one of the FB groups I’m in. The OP itself was about whether adoptees have their own kids (IF they can have their own kids) whilst still young, or whether they wait until they are older.

The following two quotes are the answers I gave within that group, and I’m sharing them here as an example of how the socialisation of adoptees happens.

{quote}
Caught at 17, had Daughter at 18. Then again, that was only ’cause me and her dad did an experiment based on the fact that I knew a’rents couldn’t have kids (which is why they had me). We went without sex for one whole month (a bloody miracle for 17 year olds ;)), had it once at an optimumly calculated time in the next month, and went without for the next month too. Mainly based on the premise that there’re people like my a’rents, and people who can (almost, it seems) get up the duff just from looking at each other across the dancefloor. Unfortunately, we don’t know whether Daughter resulting means the experiment or a failure though, since as a far more learned (at the time) friend pointed out, we didn’t have a null hypothesis.

Only had the one though, and that was only because we tried. Of course, it’s far more by luck than judgement that I never wound up pregnant again, ’cause really, I come from a whole stream of moms that really should never’ve had kids.

Once we found out I was pregnant, the choice to not abort came far more from the part where I was finally gonna have someone I was related to in my life. However, whilst amom was adamant that I should’ve got an abortion (and in 20/20 hindsight I agree with her BECAUSE I love my daughter), not once was adoption ever put on the table as an option.
{/quote}

{quote}
Reading [A.N.Other Poster]’s comment reminded me of another part I missed in the decision making of whether to continue the pregnancy that resulted in Daughter.The thought I had once we found out I was pregnant was along the lines of “oh well, I’m gonna have to have one at some stage, so I may as well go with this one now it’s happening.” That perspective was based on the fact that I’d “picked up” that if we can’t have our own kids, we have to adopt if you can’t have our own (presumably picked up from a’rents having picked adoption as their second option, after all, why would anyone want someone else’s kid?) I didn’t really want/wasn’t all that interested in having kids, but had “learned” that it’s just something we do. IF ONLY I’d heard of childfree a decade earlier… <wry g>

Then came the “yay, my first relative tha I’ll know.” :)

It’s a sheer miracle I never fell pregnant again.
{/quote}

I know from discussions since with amom that she has absolutely no idea where or how I picked up the idea that if we can’t have kids then we have to adopt, and despite me trying to explain it, I still don’t think she really understands how I “learned” some of the things I came away from childhood “knowing”.

I stand by my two sentences that began this post however.

Adoption is what you do when you can’t have kids because it means you get to take someone else’s kid on “as if born unto” yourself. It means you get to pretend that you’ve got a kid of your own, who you can try to mould into some resemblance of yourself, and who you can pretend will take after you.

Fostering is what you do when you want to help kids because it means you get to give kids a solidity and stability that they may not otherwise attain. It means that you are there for them for as long as they need you, and you treasure that person as their own entity, refraining from trying to make them into copies of yourself, or pretending that there is anything other than love and care between you.

Adoption means that the kid is beholden to you for the rest of their life, no matter how your relationship goes. Fostering means that your help forge an independent spirit who comes back to see you in their happiness at having your aid during their start in life.

The fostering part is how it should be done, the adoption part is just what happens to many of us.

So beware, adopters. Despite thinking that you’re teaching the child you’ve taken on the best things in life, you have no idea what they’re really picking up – not just from you, but from the rest of the world around them.

Written by 7rin

Fri, 23 August, 2013 at 6:13 pm

Posted in Blog

Tagged with , ,

I did it! I made a difference! Again!

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This post not only launched an awesome thread of its own, but also spawned a side-thread that yielded startling results too.

Part of the way down this second thread, I suddenly throw in…

Make A Show Of Yourselves was the page that had startled me with it’s adoption advocative language.

Immediately though, understanding entirely the point I was raising, Amanda was on to it …

And that, my friends, is another concrete achievement, because it’s the way we use the language that impacts adoptees far more than, for example, Sir Martin Narey appears to concede.

Written by 7rin

Mon, 18 March, 2013 at 12:08 pm

How much do people know?

with 6 comments

The following quotey bit is the question I asked over on the AAAFC General Discussion forum (on 26 February 2012). I’m re-posting the question here because I’m fed up with so many people going on about how they knew this adoptee who was oh so happy with being adopted, etc. Unfortunately, due to AAAfC being locked down from public viewing (not a complaint, just pointing out facts), a valuable discussion that could help educate others about the issue has been lost for linking to, and so I’m asking in here, and would appreciate any feedback given.

{quote}
I do wonder how many of the adoptees out there just lack the language available ’cause it’s not acknowledged by the general population (i.e. adoption fucks you up), rather than so many people being said by others to be “happy” with their adoptions.

Ok, this is that new post that sprung out of my head when I was finishing typing ^^that.

How many people know how you actually REALLY feel about adoption and all that it entails?

F’r instance, would your amom’s cousin describe you as “well our I’s adopted daughter’s turned out just fine, and isn’t at all bothered by her adoption”? Or does everyone that’s anyone know that “well, L’s daughter was adopted, but she’s entirely unhappy with the fact that it happened, and would counsel anyone contemplating the thought against it”?

Those of my families that’re on FB probably can’t help but be aware that I’m most definitely not a “happy adoptee”, given how much I post on the subject. Not sure how much the rest of my families know of my opinion on the issue. I don’t think amom’s cousin’d describe me as “happy with adoption” any more, but icbw.
{/quote}

I also know I’m not the only one who finds this habitual reaction to pretty much anything an adoptee says both irritating, and disempowering.

Written by 7rin

Wed, 6 February, 2013 at 4:34 am

Posted in RFD

Tagged with , ,

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