Adopted in the UK

The life of a UK adoptee

Happy mothers’ day

with 6 comments

And no, I don’t put the apostrophe in the wrong place, for those who’re wondering.

*dry smiles*

And now the post.

My reunion with my my bmom is, I’m sure, over.

Yes, I walked out on her. (Shuddup with the psychobabble babble, I’m sitting amused at the predictability of it all, in a wry way; it’s what comes of being Lokean. :p). I walked out of the room from my mom having gone up to see her to say “happy mothers’ day”. The reason I walked out of the room and said no more was because she’d just said she’d told her husband (none of ours’ dads[1]) not to tell any of us (older msis, me, younger mbro) if anything happened to her. So I got up, said “no more”, and walked out. And yes, throughout it all I knew I was living the stereotypical life, serving as the textbook example of why we shouldn’t reunite with our bfams, so I want to make sure NO-ONE goes away from this post thinking that, because IT’S NOT TRUE!

We absolutely *should* meet with our families, no matter how scary they are, because in them we find us. Until we see someone with our own eyes, we’re *never* basing that judgement on our own knowledge. We *need* to know our own, on a cellular level, before we can truly relax into the world. It’s why genealogical reflection is so important, no matter how much some people seem to want to deny its importance. It makes you who you are.

I was 3 years, 6 months, 3 days (thank you God for ;)) into reunion when *I* called it off. But I had to have the chance to find out and do that for myself. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life living with unconfirmable tales. To expect anyone to do that is cruelty beyond belief, yet that’s what’s being forced through at an increasingly faster rate by our delightful government.

Yet they don’t want to give us support through any of this. Instead they perpetuate the myth that never learning who we are is the smartest idea an adoptee can have, because look at how horrible it always goes.

But it’s not.

Even when it’s as horrific a tale as Elaine’s (I’ll link if she says I can, but many readers will know who I’m on about anyway), it’s still far far more psychologically healthy if we can learn this for ourselves.

The pain living with not knowing is far worse. And if things get out of hand, we just have to learn to step back to protect ourselves. Elaine’s one of those who taught me how (thank you! :}).

But yeah, regardless that it’s over in such a (relatively) short space of time (considering I’d been 37 almost a month before I contacted her on FB), I don’t regret doing it because it helped me learn who me was.

Doesn’t matter whether I like her or not, at least I know now who she is.

[1] Lol. Adoption can’t not have influenced my life because I have to be able to grow up conceiving plurals of everything. It’s no wonder adoptees get lost just trying to figure out how to be in the world. And yes, I know non-adoptees go through similar things too, but non-adoptees are understood to be traumatised by it, while adoptees are expected to show our gratitude for it.

Edited to add:

This post has been included on week 8 of …

Adoption Badge photo BADGE7_zps59df311c.jpg

Thank you . :}

Written by 7rin

Sun, 10 March, 2013 at 11:26 pm

Posted in Blog

Tagged with , , ,

6 Responses

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  1. Oh yes always grateful and happy.


    Mon, 11 March, 2013 at 12:43 am

  2. Reblogged this on The Life Of Von.


    Mon, 11 March, 2013 at 12:44 am

  3. I understand the horrific parts, for you, Elaine, and for me. I didn’t have a choice about contact. I was just a kid. I could have turned them away, but after that kind of shock – especially the lies from my adoptive parents, I had to move through it all. And still, I’m mthe one who said to both sets of parents: I have two sets of real parents.

    Not my fault I was reunited with dysfunction beyond belief. Been trying to get away for over 30 years.

    I’m sorry you had to go through this. We who are adopted really do hear and see teh world with keen ears and eyes. Those words your Mom said, she wasn’t thinking. It won’t be clear to her. She just doens’t know. She doesn’t know how you feel.

    I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

    (will email shortly)

    hey, won’t let me check for follow-ups!

    Joan Wheeler (@forbiddenfamily)

    Mon, 11 March, 2013 at 1:24 am

  4. I am so happy that you have claimed a place as part as #WASO because you are needed here. Thank you so much for all your gentle (and not so!) steering and help. You are loved. Mx


    Tue, 19 March, 2013 at 9:29 pm

  5. First I’d like to say I am so glad that you linked up to #WASO and also sorry it’s taken a bit of time to get here to read and comment. You must have found walking away extremely hard to do when maybe you spent so long wanting that reunion. I think it shows great strength and understanding that you are you and you have control over who you are. I hope we will see you on the Weekly Adoption Shout Out again, you are really welcome and, as as Mumdrah says, your voice is is also needed.


    Thu, 21 March, 2013 at 2:21 pm

  6. […] yes, Life(tm) has been taking it’s usual twists and turns. Remember the Happy mothers’ day post where I said “oh woe, it’s all over”? Well, as predicted by The Reunion […]

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