Adopted in the UK

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An open letter to APs, PAPs, and anyone who has even considered adoption

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I’m a bit late jumping on the re-blogging of this letter’s bandwagon, but since it’s such an important and well-written piece, I’m finally getting around to it.

Original version by Lillie over at Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change

(What you are about to read may shock you. It may challenge you. And, hopefully, it may inspire you to educate yourself further on the realities of adoption. Please read the following with an open mind, and try not to take anything said here personally. Because this is not meant to be an attack or a judgment; it is meant to be an honest and heartfelt expression of one adoptee’s experience that would hopefully bring understanding and respect for the often ignored portion of the adoption equation.)

To all adoptive parents, hopeful adoptive parents, and anyone who has ever even considered adoption:

Being adopted hurts. Being adopted is hard. It is not beautiful; it is brutal, it is tragic, it is a cause for great sadness. For in order for a child to even be available for adoption, that child must first go through some sort of tragedy; whether that be abuse, hunger, homelessness, neglect, or even the simple fact that he or she is losing the life and family he or she was born into. This makes adoption a thing to mourn; not a cause for celebration or joy. To be joyful about adopting a child is to be glad that this tragedy happened.

I don’t think there’s a soul alive who would actually choose to be born into a situation where being relinquished for adoption, voluntarily or otherwise, was necessary.

Of course there will always be a need for children to be removed from their parent(s) and placed in safer, more stable, loving homes – but please understand that no matter how good and loving and wonderful the adopting parents are, nothing will ever erase the pain, the grief, and the loss that comes with being adopted.

The very foundation of adoption is that of loss – a child loses his or her mother, father, and entire family; a mother, father and family loses one of their children. And, yes, even a loss for the adopting parent – sometimes the loss of the expectation of having their own, biological offspring, the loss of a dream of having a baby of “their own.” A separation of one family MUST occur before a new one can be built through adoption. Maybe it isn’t a voluntary destruction, maybe the destruction is necessary for the health and safety of the child – but it is still a destruction of the very core, fundamental foundations of that child’s life that will forever be altered.

Think of it this way…one of your parents dies, and your surviving parent eventually goes on to remarry. Though you might grow to love and have a great relationship with your parent’s new spouse, no amount of love and happiness in this present situation will erase the grief you feel over the loss of your other parent. So please, if you have adopted or are considering adoption, keep this in mind.

Adoption should be the very last resort after all other options have been tried. Ask yourself this – does an adoption HAVE to happen? Is there anything I can possibly do to help this young mother keep her child? Are there resources I can direct her to, items I can supply her with, can I offer her the support and encouragement she needs to be a good parent? If so, then pursuing adoption is not the right choice. Too many unnecessary adoptions happen as a permanent solution to a very temporary problem. Adoption, after all, is forever – while a current living situation, job situation, etc., is temporary and can be changed and improved. Most women who relinquish their children do so because they feel they have no other choice…but what if she does have another choice, and only needs the support and encouragement to make it?

Adopted people know we are a second choice, a “Plan B,” a solution to someone else’s problem. While there are some people out there who would choose adoption first, most only do so after failed attempts at pregnancy or to “complete” a family of all boys or girls or to give their current child a sibling. Adding to your family through adoption should never be about meeting some need of your own…it should always and only ever be about providing for the CHILD’S needs. Please don’t put the added pressure on an adopted child by forcing them to live up to the unspoken standard of the child you couldn’t concieve or the son or daughter you couldn’t produce. Adoption is not a cure for infertility, nor are adopted people “gifts” to be passed around in order to complete somebody else’s life. We are human beings in our own right, with our own feelings, needs, and wants. Don’t add to an already painful situation by expecting us to be something we weren’t born to be.

Please be willing to be completely open and honest with the child you may someday adopt. It doesn’t matter how horrible of a situation they came out of; tell them the truth, and tell them early. For the truth can be dealt with, it can be processed and closure can be found; but nobody can get closure from fantasies and daydreams. Adopted people are stronger than you give them credit for; believe me when I say, we imagine and prepare for every possible scenario when it comes to our families or origin. Don’t think we haven’t entertained the idea that our biological parents were the worst of the worst, or idealized them as some sort of saintly creatures, and everything in between. We have already survived the loss of our original families; don’t for one minute think we can’t survive knowing the reason why. And on that note, if an adopted person ever chooses to search, reunite, or just know more about their family of origin, don’t guilt them into not doing it or make them feel beholden to you. It has NOTHING to do with you. NOTHING. Human beings are born with an innate curiosity about who and where we come from. For some adopted people to feel whole, they need to know their own personal history and explore their roots. There’s nothing wrong with that. After all, you, as the parent, are responsible for your adopted child’s happiness and well being…not the other way around. Swallow your pride, put away your jealousy, and support your adopted child in any quest for truth they may wish to undertake. Believe me, they will thank you for it.

Don’t fall into the terminology trap. Adoptees know they have more than one set of parents…two that created them, and the parent(s) who are raising them. ALL are real to the adoptee. Don’t get caught up in who is “real” and who is more important; let your adopted child choose the terminology that suits THEM. If you have been a good and loving parent, that’s all you need. Besides, a parent can love more than one child, so why can’t a child be allowed to love more than one parent? The heart has an infinite capability to love. Don’t begrudge your adopted child the possibility of loving people he or she may not even remember.

And don’t disparage the biological parents or family either. They may be evil people, the scum of the earth…but to say anything bad about the biological family is the same as saying something bad about your adopted child. The child did come from these people, after all; and better or worse we did inherit parts of ourselves from them. The old saying applies here more than anywhere else…if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Adopted people experience a range of issues from having been adopted…many suffer from the fear of rejection and abaondonment, have problems trusting others and forming relationships. After all, our very mothers could walk away from us, so what’s to stop anyone else? Though not all adoptees experience these, many do, and to varying degrees. Just because the adopted person in your life hasn’t mentioned it, don’t think they don’t feel it. Many will never, ever talk about their negative adoption issues for those exact reasons…fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, and just the overwhelmingly negative response they expect. If the adopted person in your life (your child, a friend or other family member) ever does talk about it, take your personal feelings and judgments out of it. Resist the temptation to say things like, “But you had such wonderful [adoptive] parents!” or “but you could have been aborted/thrown in a dumpster/etc.!” Adoptees are the only subset of society who are wholly expected to be grateful for our very lives, and with this expectation comes the need to try to suppress any negative emotion or feeling. Most adoptees won’t even admit to themselves, let alone other people, that they are hurting. After all, we got this “better life,” didn’t we? We don’t have the RIGHT to feel sad/angry/depressed. So many adoptees choose to stay silent and instead live a lie.

And, yes, that goes hand-in-hand with the child-parent relationship thing…remember, the PARENT is repsonsible for the health and well being of the CHILD, NOT the other way around. Only in adoption are adoptees somehow expected to always be careful not to “hurt” their adoptive parents; not to rock the boat or bring up something about their adoption because their PARENTS might not like it. This is another reason so many adopted people don’t speak about adoption…we are afraid of hurting our adoptive parents. I know that as a parent myself, I would never expect my children to be responsible for my well-being…so please, don’t ever place that expectation on adopted people either. After all, their adoptive parents WANTED to adopt, they WANTED a child, and chose this path for themselves. The adoptee most often did not choose it and had no say in the matter. Don’t expect gratitude. ANYONE could have been aborted, could have been abandoned, could have been abused. These are not phenomena that are solely related to adoptees. Just because a person was adopted doesn’t automatically mean they were unwanted, that they “could have been” anything…they are just people who are being raised by a different family and are living a DIFFERENT life, not necessarily a better one.

Please, if you are considering adoption or have already, educate yourself. Read books such as the Primal Wound. Read blogs by adopted people and relinquishing parents. Go into it with an open mind and open heart. Understand that there is the very real potential that the child you someday adopt might just struggle with it. And while you can be a terrific parent, a wonderful guide and mentor, the damage has already been done. Be prepared to do the hard work of helping your child deal with any grief, anger, and other issues he/she may feel. TALK to them about it. Adoptees are notorious for keeping things bottled up…let them know it’s OK to talk with you about them. Reassure them that you will NOT be hurt, offended or damaged by their feelings. ALLOW them the freedom to feel whatever they feel.

If you are considering an open adoption or have entered into an open adoption, HONOR that. Unless there is some clear and present danger to the life of your child, KEEP THE COMMUNICATION OPEN. Don’t cease contact with the biological family because it’s an inconvenience for YOU. Understand that yes, at times it might be emotionally trying for your adopted child, your child may come away from visits or reading letters and feel depressed and angry, but don’t take that as a reason to cease contact. TALK to your child. Help them understand WHY they are feeling this way. It’s only natural that this might happen; and in the same breath, the biological mother/father/family may also feel overwhelmed at times and pull back, but do what you can to keep the lines of communication open. Remember, adoption is based on loss, and being reminded of that loss can be overwhelming. But that doesn’t mean it should be avoided. Your adopted child will thank you someday for sacrificing your own happiness and comfort to allow him/her to keep this very important connection.

Try not to make a big celebration out of your child’s adoption day (and PLEASE don’t EVER use the horribly offensive and insensitive term “Gotcha Day). The same goes for birthdays. For while it may be a happy occasion to remember, keep in mind that it also marks the day that the adopted person was permanently and forever separated from their mother, their father, their original family. Birthdays are especially hard; for most adoptees have the knowldedge that our births were not cause for celebration; nobody was bringing our mothers flowers and balloons and offering congratulations; our entrance into this world was one of sadness and trepidation. And it marks the day we were phyisically separated from our mothers; for many of us, it was the last time we ever saw her. So if the adoptee in your life withdraws around his or her birthday or doesn’t appear to like celebrating, respect that. Understand that to many of us, it is not a cause for celebration.

I am not trying to tell anyone not to adopt. I am not saying, “shame on you” to anyone who already has adopted. What I am saying is, please step back and really think long and hard about the ramifications of adoption on the very person who is at the center of it all – the child you hope for or the child you have brought into your home. Be ready and willing to put a lot of hard work into helping this adopted child heal, to feel whole and complete in themselves. Be prepared to put your own needs and wants on the shelf and to put away your expectations, do what it takes to attend to the needs of your adopted child. All the love in the world, all the toys and gadgets and material things you might provide will never replace or erase what was lost.

Family preservation should always be the goal. Adoption should never, ever be utilized unless it is the last and only option left. Because adoption should be about finding homes for children in need; NOT finding children for people to fill a need. Jesus commanded us to help the orphan AND the widow…we as a society should do more to help famlies stay together instead of tearing them apart. Nobody really wants to be adopted…if given a choice, they’d rather their family situations could improve so that they wouldn’t have to be separated. Would YOU have liked it if your mother gave you away?

Sincerely,
An adut adoptee

Written by 7rin

Thu, 12 January, 2012 at 10:43 am

Screaming

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… frothing with incoherent rage that I can not – by myself – control.

And I feel utterly impotent.

I can not obtain the ‘professional help’ that my detractors over at Y!A Adoption insist I am so thoroughly in need of because my local doctors’ practice, which is supported by the local health authority, does not consider my needs for specialist help to be important enough.

It’s not for the want of trying.

When I was at uni. doing the civ.eng degree (I failed), I saw a counsellor, but I knew a lot less about me then, and so just utterly confused her. I was beyond her level of help.

I managed to get myself in to see a psychsomething meeting (after going through interviews with both the doctor and a Community Psychiatric Nurse), only to be told that I’m pagan because I’m rebelling, and I’m polyamorous because I like being walked over. I’m not sure I’d’ve even let her near my adoption.

She told me the only thing she could do for me was recommend I read some books on how to be a happy-clappy rainbow puker, because I was too intelligent for her to be dealing with. I declined, and told her I’d already found enough of my own reading material to know that she didn’t have a clue.

During reunion, I saw the college counsellor, but I’m not someone she could deal with. We mutually parted company.

And then there was Chase Wellbeing (after another round of doc/cpn interviews). Oh that was a joy. That’s where I encountered a professional telling me that I should just be grateful to be adopted, because things could’ve been worse if I hadn’t been. I told her point blank to never ever ever try to counsel an adoptee ever again because she’s too dangerous.

I offered her reading material, but she declined.

I’ve since tried to get funding to get help off Adoption Support, but the doctor and LHA won’t fund it. So I tried calling After Adoption, who said all they can do is tell me to call Adoption Support, as that’s the organisation that deals with my area.

I’ve even asked the local council’s adoption worker that I saw when trying to get records of my adoption if she can help get me any help, but she didn’t/wouldn’t/couldn’t.

So I’m left here still cracking up whilst trying to hold it together enough in life to be able to do something. Anything.

I did post, a while back, that I could take the fight to get help to the media, but tbh, I’m not all that sure they’d listen. Adoptees are expected to be screwed up, but *yours* will /never/ grow up to feel like that. Bullshit. But I’m too tired, and too busy concentrating on trying to get through living the life I’ve got, to have time, headspace, and energy to try to fight the world.

I’m raging at the moon, and no-one gives a shit because it’s not important enough.

Of course, if I became an alcoholic, then I’d get no end of help, but I currently can’t afford to do stuff like that.

Written by 7rin

Fri, 31 December, 2010 at 1:22 am

7rinsensibility

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This comment was originally posted in the replies section following the Guardian’s blog post, Daddy’s adoption stories (I’ve read stories with titles like that :p), but (typo aside), I like it so much, I’m adding it to my wall of fame – ish thing.

Hardworkinhippi said:

Now I have said before, I do not deny that there are mistakes made, that there are over zealous SWs who err on the side of caution, but after Victoria Climbie and Baby P, do you really blame them?

Getting it wrong and over-compensating by taking too many is just as destructive as getting it wronging by not taking enough – possibly even more so, since the risks are under-accounted for in making decisions. Adoptees have a higher suicide risk than non-adoptees, they’re also over-represented in both the prison population and the psych.therapy arena. Thus, increasing the number of adoptees by getting it wrong and over-compensating can lead to harsher long-term effects.

Hardworkinhippi said:

99 times out a 100, there for a bloody good reason and that when they can no longer go home, that they need loving responsible new families, not foster care, not group home, but permanent new mums, dads and homes.?

I don’t disagree that there are always going to be those kids who are going to need someone from outside their own family to do the raising and loving and nurturing that their own parents can not or will not do. However, adoption is nothing more than a legalised lie that pretends the child is “born to” the adopters. It’s a legal fallacy, and is unnecessary, since if someone is willing to do the raising and loving and nurturing and supporting, then they should be able to do it without “ownership documents” that simply reinforce the fallacy of being “born to” those parents. Good parents are Good Parents no matter what bits of paper they do or don’t have – they certainly don’t need to legally obliterate the child’s history (which is what adoption does) in order to be able to provide unconditional love for that child.

Get rid of adoption. Go to how it’s done in Aus. where they have next to no legal adoptions because the legal obliteration will then not happen. Lose the legalised lie, and everything else should be covered by adequate child protection laws. :)

Re: Specifics on cases – I don’t know what of the information that I do know is public, and what bits are ‘protected’ by gagging orders, thus all I can currently provide is the links I’ve already provided, which within their own pages have links to at least some ‘facts’.

Written by 7rin

Fri, 5 November, 2010 at 3:00 am

The situation of 7rin

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I recently FB friended an author whose work I admire, and have gained much from.

When I FB friend someone I don’t already know, I do attempt to be courteous and so send a message with the request whenever the option’s available. It’s a randomly generated “accept if you wanna, don’t if you don’t wanna” note, because seriously, I’m so not interested in getting into FB friends dramas.

I was pleased to get a reply to my introductory message, and was asked in the message, what my situation is.

Since I’m pretty new – at least in the adoption blogging sphere, despite growing up lurking around the uk.people.adoption newsgroups (don’t like alt., it’s insanity at large), and being relatively vocal over on LiveJournal, I thought I’d use the question in an attempt to find some cohesion for myself, since today has been a fucking WEIRD day to be adopted.

For those who’re impatient, the short version goes:

Abandoned to adoption at 7mths old. I didn’t have a bad adoption – my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen… but if I’d been able to choose, and I’d known then what I know now, I’d’ve chosen to be aborted before birth instead, ’cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I’ve gone through would’ve been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I’ve been suffering for now.

I’ve been in reunion several months wow, a year! now, and even that’s (still) agonising.

This is how the adoption industry finds out how to convince people to abandon their kids: http://www.divinecaroline.com/22095/39676-national-council-adoption–mothers–money-

Abandoned early 1973. Reunited late 2009.

The slightly longer version is that I’m currently sat on the chair in the back garden at 00:36, with a stinking head cold. Earlier this evening, I dropped the partner I live with off at work, after spending half the afternoon with the brother and the cousin that I met last year, on me bmom’s side.

And at anyone who’s about to go off on one about me using bmom – don’t bother. I’m a lazy typer, and I’ll minimise certain things, if it’s possible whilst still making sense. Typing ‘biological mom’ takes too long, much the same as typing ‘adoptive mom’, thus, they are amom and bmom, because those’re logical, accurate descriptions. They’re not fancy fluttery words because they don’t need to be; all they need to be able to do is differentially indicate which of my TWO moms I’m referring to when it’s not obvious by context. I don’t use first, because how many doesn’t matter – they all count. I don’t use natural because my amom’s much more of a ‘natural’ mom (in that being a mom comes naturally to her) than either me or my bmom.

I have met IRL both living siblings on my mom’s side, as well as two cousins (though with one we didn’t know we were cousins until after the fact), and five of my six nephews. On my dad’s side, I’ve met my dad and his partner, my nan, and my cousin and her family. I am deeply looking forward to meeting my brother on my dad’s side, because it’s easy to tell how awesome he is. :D However, we just don’t have lives that’re gonna intersect all that easily due to distance and commitments, and thus, I suspect, it may be still yet a while before I get to meet my brother.

… *has a thought* *goes to pm brother* Of course, if we’re not even suggesting whens, we’ll never work out when we can, so I’ve started the suggestions of when. :)

My sister (still dad’s side) doesn’t want to know me. I think it’s pretty much bugger all to do with me existing as a me, tbh though, and much more an extension of her pisssed offedness at our dad. Luckily, she’s my little sister, so I can get to stomp my big sister foot harder and louder than she can stomp her little sister foot. I’ve been given the message that she wants me to take her (unlinked) name off my FB sibling list. I did give the request serious thought, but honestly? Just no. It’s a list of my siblings, it’s a statement of fact, and facts aren’t there to be liked or disliked, the just are – and so it’s staying.

In deference to my sister, a.k.a. because I’m not really a total bitch, despite any appearances to the contrary, I have limited the viewing of that section back down to a less ‘sharing’ level, but I’ve rarely censored myself before, and I don’t plan on starting now – especially not for my petulant, childish little sister (who, let’s face it, doesn’t sound massively different from her petulant big sister). :}

In other live stuff, I’m about to start a degree in Social Policy & Sociology, with an aim to do something to help change some of the wrongnesses in adoption as it currently stands – unfortunately, I’m still battling enough adoptee-head demons (along with apathy) that I’m still battling with getting my Student Loan sorted.

I hate authority, but can’t seem to live my life without it. From the age of seven, I joined the local marching jazz band, graduating on to diving (snorkelling then S.C.U.B.A.) from 11 – 14, and then in the Air Training Corp (i.e. the Air force cadet service) from 14-16. Growing up in the ’70s, I wanted to be the first woman in the S.A.S., and created myself a strap-on penis at the age of six using a cut-up egg box, and a piece of elastic threaded and knotted through holes in the sides of the ‘penis’ (cut-up egg box) – though I do put some of the blame for the on the TV series Blue Peter. ;)

I’ve been online (prolifically) since 2000, and usually exist under names on the 7rin theme (tequilatrinity and trin being the most usual). I started out on the newsgroup uk.religion.pagan, dispersed across some of the uk.people. groups, and finally ended up ‘defecting’ to LJ and thus aiding the slow decline of Usenet. Since then, I’ve been vocal in the polyamorous and Lokean communities, before ending up fighting adoption crap on the Yahoo! Answers adoption section, as well as trying to turn Adopted in the UK – UK Adoptees into the Britcentric version of AAAFC. I’m now fighting on FB too, though that’s stranger because I have non-academically related people’s feelings to consider on there (e.g. I don’t even know if my younger (adoptive) cousins even knew I was adopted until they saw the stuff I post to my wall).

I self-describe as both and neither and polyeverything, and am somewhat infamous for being unrepentantly brutally honest, with the best descriptions of me to be found by nosing down the quotes about me listed on my WP profile page.

Alongside starting uni. this year and completing the Access course last year, I’ve been battling with issues that’ve been thrown up by hitting reunion a year ago (Sept. ’09) and trying to get myself some appropriate post-adoption counselling. I knew I was going to have to fight anyway (hence my earlier Let the battle commence post, but today (yesterday, technically) I suffered the major blow of finding out that the counselling service I was hoping to use because of their adoptee specific knowledge is falling apart rapidly due to government cuts, which means I now need to be prepared to fight not just for my own sanity, but for the sanity of those adoptees who are following behind me.

I explain my anti-adoption stance in earlier posts on this blog, with What would 7rin do? pointing out that – contrary to popular opinion – I’m not anti-child protection, and Adoption Essentials following-up by explaining the one thing that I would prevent MANY the current complaints from “angry adoptees” (of course we’re angry, you’d be angry too if you lost everything), and that’s adequate and appropriate documentation, the same as everything and everyone else gets.

I’m currently at my most vocal over on the Y!A Adoption section, but I’ve also started ‘touring’ happy AP blogs, happy beemommy blogs, and all adoptee blogs.

And that is a brief rundown of who I am and where I’m at. I’m now going to go to bed, because not only is it late and I need to be up to pick my partner up from work early (for me) tomorrow morning, but I also need to pack (tomorrow, or after sleep, at least) for my weekend away at Mercian Gathering.

Oh yeah, and the brother and cousin I went to see today are both moving away in the near future, so I’m prolly not gonna be seeing quite so much of my bfam. as I have been doing. I’m already missing my brother anyway because having live here for six months meant we both know each other better than we would normally do for how long we’ve known each other – they are both aware that they could live on the moon for all I care, so long as they keep in touch occasionally. FB and LJ et al are useful for the whole keeping in touch lark (well, LJ’d be more useful if I spent less time faffing on FB … and yes, I’m going to bed. Now.

Yay! 1500+ words that might even vaguely make sense, in 4’n’alf hours. I may actually make it through uni. yet. :}

‘Night peeps.

Written by 7rin

Thu, 2 September, 2010 at 4:31 am

Posted in Explanations

Tagged with ,

Linking posterity

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Reposting for posterity, because I think the links are so very much worthy. :)

[7rin] loves being on the Answer hidden due to its low rating list so hilariously often, and with such fantastically good company. :D

The question the base link in the post pointed at is: “So what exactly is my alternative to adoption in my situation?” over @ http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100824044336AA5ZbRu

Answer of the century award goes to Tish however, for her reply on the What makes someone a mother? question asked over @ http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100823193059AAxG6Px


Sunny posted, asking:

What makes someone a mother?


Another poster on Y!A said this:

“The act of pushing out a baby does not make someone a mother.”

So what does?

tish_part deux‘s reply:

so…since the act of pushing out a baby doesn’t make one a mother, why the need for non-pushers to be on BIRTH certificates?

speaking of “birthing” these are the same folk who believe ALL BABIES have two mommy’s: a birthmother and a “real” forever family mother…

the idea that some mothers actually can become such without the use of another woman’s womb, is lost on some of these folks.

also, since the act of pushing out a baby is so diminished in the continuum of “mothering” they why do people spend gazillions of dollars to get knocked up in a lab, just to “push out a baby.”

personally, i have always thought that the “pushing out a baby doesn’t…’ banter was most often rhetoric from those who CAN’T PUSH…

i also find that those who can’t push, try to shift the “mother” definition to control for the ONLY variable which excludes them: the ability to conceive, gestated, and give birth to the child they are “mothering..”

so, i’ll try this:

a mother is one who:

conceived a child
gestated a child
birthed a child
nursed/nurtured a child
raised a child
loved a child

6/6==supermom
5/6==great mom
4/6==good mom
3/6==good enough, mom
2/6==try much harder, mom
1/6==give it up, mom

Source(s):
SUPERMOM who conceived, gestated, pushed, nursed, and raised my own children.

i’ll take my super mother prize in gift cards to nieman marcus…

Written by 7rin

Wed, 25 August, 2010 at 3:51 am

Posted in Explanations

Tagged with , , ,

What would 7rin do?

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During one of my recent sojourns on to one of the pro-adoption sites on Facebook, I was asked by someone I’d been debating the adoption issue with why I fight, and what I think should actually happen instead. This isn’t the first time (today even) that I’ve been asked this question, but this time when I answered, I remembered to CTRL+C so that I could CTRL+V over here, and turn this into a post. Thus, the following is the answer to the question asked in the title (wrt adoption, obviously).


 
Fwiw, I’m all for protecting the kids that need protecting, and if that means removing kids from abusive situations, then so be it. However, there is a massive difference between finding homes for those kids who really have needed to be removed from unsafe situations, to soliciting pregnant women for their babies because you can afford to buy such a purchase.

Traditionally, parent considering adoption (aside from those who really don’t care about their kids, and who’re probably only carrying to term because they found out too late to get an abortion) do so because they’ve brought into at least one of the many perpetuated lies.

One example lie is that “children need a mom and a dad”. Now admittedly, having two parents who love you and want you IS the ideal, however, that does NOT mean that living with a caring, loving single parent will necessarily inhibit your life chances. This lie is further confounded by the fact that there are now many single parent adoptions.

Another example lie is that “kids born to poor parents would be better off with better off parents”. This is absolute bunkum – and more so in the economically uncertain world that we’re living in today, since even the well-off can suddenly find themselves plunged into (relative) poverty, either due to redundancy, illness, etc. Also, this lie ignores the fact that living with genetic strangers takes a toll on EVERY child (which isn’t to say that no child adapts), and is SECOND-BEST to growing up surrounded by the genetic mirroring that ones own biological family can provide.

Yet even in the circumstances where a child does need removing from its own biological family for its own safety, I still disagree with adoption, since all adoption currently does is create a legalised lie that pretends the child is born to the adoptive parents, and in the process obliterates the child’s genetic heritage. This is entirely unnecessary, and only serves to reinforce the idealisation of those who want a “blank slate” baby to pretend they’re their own. Babies, even those who are taken in by someone else from birth, and NOT “blank slates”, they come pre-programmed with personalities and foibles that living life simply builds upon, and pretending that they are blank slates is to do the child a massive disservice as it means that they have to live yet more of a lie, and are expected to become someone other than who they really are.

What I’d like to see is a change to the documentation that we adoptees come with, in which we do NOT lose our genetic heritage, but instead INCORPORATE our newly adoptive lives WITH our own genetic heritage. One way to do this would be to stop reissuing the birth certificate perpetuating the legalised lies of being born to someone other than who we were born to, and instead acquire an adoption certificate (which we get over here in the UK, and I *think* happens in at least some of the states in America) that has spaces to include ALL of our parents on it. That way, the child does not have to grow up not knowing who they originate from (I would’ve cheerfully killed as a kid just to know what my parents names are/were), and it would help prevent those adopters who refuse to inform the child of their own heritage from doing so (which can lead to all kinds of medical ramifications).

I’ll stop here, but please, if you have any questions, feel free to ask, ’cause I’m all for intelligent discussion on the issue.


 
The last sentence is also aimed at anyone who reads this post that I’m writing in here. I’d also like any comments about how or why you think things should be done differently to the suggestions I’ve already made.

Written by 7rin

Wed, 18 August, 2010 at 5:50 pm

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