Adopted in the UK

The life of a UK adoptee

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The situation of 7rin

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I recently FB friended an author whose work I admire, and have gained much from.

When I FB friend someone I don’t already know, I do attempt to be courteous and so send a message with the request whenever the option’s available. It’s a randomly generated “accept if you wanna, don’t if you don’t wanna” note, because seriously, I’m so not interested in getting into FB friends dramas.

I was pleased to get a reply to my introductory message, and was asked in the message, what my situation is.

Since I’m pretty new – at least in the adoption blogging sphere, despite growing up lurking around the uk.people.adoption newsgroups (don’t like alt., it’s insanity at large), and being relatively vocal over on LiveJournal, I thought I’d use the question in an attempt to find some cohesion for myself, since today has been a fucking WEIRD day to be adopted.

For those who’re impatient, the short version goes:

Abandoned to adoption at 7mths old. I didn’t have a bad adoption – my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen… but if I’d been able to choose, and I’d known then what I know now, I’d’ve chosen to be aborted before birth instead, ’cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I’ve gone through would’ve been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I’ve been suffering for now.

I’ve been in reunion several months wow, a year! now, and even that’s (still) agonising.

This is how the adoption industry finds out how to convince people to abandon their kids:–mothers–money-

Abandoned early 1973. Reunited late 2009.

The slightly longer version is that I’m currently sat on the chair in the back garden at 00:36, with a stinking head cold. Earlier this evening, I dropped the partner I live with off at work, after spending half the afternoon with the brother and the cousin that I met last year, on me bmom’s side.

And at anyone who’s about to go off on one about me using bmom – don’t bother. I’m a lazy typer, and I’ll minimise certain things, if it’s possible whilst still making sense. Typing ‘biological mom’ takes too long, much the same as typing ‘adoptive mom’, thus, they are amom and bmom, because those’re logical, accurate descriptions. They’re not fancy fluttery words because they don’t need to be; all they need to be able to do is differentially indicate which of my TWO moms I’m referring to when it’s not obvious by context. I don’t use first, because how many doesn’t matter – they all count. I don’t use natural because my amom’s much more of a ‘natural’ mom (in that being a mom comes naturally to her) than either me or my bmom.

I have met IRL both living siblings on my mom’s side, as well as two cousins (though with one we didn’t know we were cousins until after the fact), and five of my six nephews. On my dad’s side, I’ve met my dad and his partner, my nan, and my cousin and her family. I am deeply looking forward to meeting my brother on my dad’s side, because it’s easy to tell how awesome he is. :D However, we just don’t have lives that’re gonna intersect all that easily due to distance and commitments, and thus, I suspect, it may be still yet a while before I get to meet my brother.

… *has a thought* *goes to pm brother* Of course, if we’re not even suggesting whens, we’ll never work out when we can, so I’ve started the suggestions of when. :)

My sister (still dad’s side) doesn’t want to know me. I think it’s pretty much bugger all to do with me existing as a me, tbh though, and much more an extension of her pisssed offedness at our dad. Luckily, she’s my little sister, so I can get to stomp my big sister foot harder and louder than she can stomp her little sister foot. I’ve been given the message that she wants me to take her (unlinked) name off my FB sibling list. I did give the request serious thought, but honestly? Just no. It’s a list of my siblings, it’s a statement of fact, and facts aren’t there to be liked or disliked, the just are – and so it’s staying.

In deference to my sister, a.k.a. because I’m not really a total bitch, despite any appearances to the contrary, I have limited the viewing of that section back down to a less ‘sharing’ level, but I’ve rarely censored myself before, and I don’t plan on starting now – especially not for my petulant, childish little sister (who, let’s face it, doesn’t sound massively different from her petulant big sister). :}

In other live stuff, I’m about to start a degree in Social Policy & Sociology, with an aim to do something to help change some of the wrongnesses in adoption as it currently stands – unfortunately, I’m still battling enough adoptee-head demons (along with apathy) that I’m still battling with getting my Student Loan sorted.

I hate authority, but can’t seem to live my life without it. From the age of seven, I joined the local marching jazz band, graduating on to diving (snorkelling then S.C.U.B.A.) from 11 – 14, and then in the Air Training Corp (i.e. the Air force cadet service) from 14-16. Growing up in the ’70s, I wanted to be the first woman in the S.A.S., and created myself a strap-on penis at the age of six using a cut-up egg box, and a piece of elastic threaded and knotted through holes in the sides of the ‘penis’ (cut-up egg box) – though I do put some of the blame for the on the TV series Blue Peter. ;)

I’ve been online (prolifically) since 2000, and usually exist under names on the 7rin theme (tequilatrinity and trin being the most usual). I started out on the newsgroup uk.religion.pagan, dispersed across some of the uk.people. groups, and finally ended up ‘defecting’ to LJ and thus aiding the slow decline of Usenet. Since then, I’ve been vocal in the polyamorous and Lokean communities, before ending up fighting adoption crap on the Yahoo! Answers adoption section, as well as trying to turn Adopted in the UK – UK Adoptees into the Britcentric version of AAAFC. I’m now fighting on FB too, though that’s stranger because I have non-academically related people’s feelings to consider on there (e.g. I don’t even know if my younger (adoptive) cousins even knew I was adopted until they saw the stuff I post to my wall).

I self-describe as both and neither and polyeverything, and am somewhat infamous for being unrepentantly brutally honest, with the best descriptions of me to be found by nosing down the quotes about me listed on my WP profile page.

Alongside starting uni. this year and completing the Access course last year, I’ve been battling with issues that’ve been thrown up by hitting reunion a year ago (Sept. ’09) and trying to get myself some appropriate post-adoption counselling. I knew I was going to have to fight anyway (hence my earlier Let the battle commence post, but today (yesterday, technically) I suffered the major blow of finding out that the counselling service I was hoping to use because of their adoptee specific knowledge is falling apart rapidly due to government cuts, which means I now need to be prepared to fight not just for my own sanity, but for the sanity of those adoptees who are following behind me.

I explain my anti-adoption stance in earlier posts on this blog, with What would 7rin do? pointing out that – contrary to popular opinion – I’m not anti-child protection, and Adoption Essentials following-up by explaining the one thing that I would prevent MANY the current complaints from “angry adoptees” (of course we’re angry, you’d be angry too if you lost everything), and that’s adequate and appropriate documentation, the same as everything and everyone else gets.

I’m currently at my most vocal over on the Y!A Adoption section, but I’ve also started ‘touring’ happy AP blogs, happy beemommy blogs, and all adoptee blogs.

And that is a brief rundown of who I am and where I’m at. I’m now going to go to bed, because not only is it late and I need to be up to pick my partner up from work early (for me) tomorrow morning, but I also need to pack (tomorrow, or after sleep, at least) for my weekend away at Mercian Gathering.

Oh yeah, and the brother and cousin I went to see today are both moving away in the near future, so I’m prolly not gonna be seeing quite so much of my bfam. as I have been doing. I’m already missing my brother anyway because having live here for six months meant we both know each other better than we would normally do for how long we’ve known each other – they are both aware that they could live on the moon for all I care, so long as they keep in touch occasionally. FB and LJ et al are useful for the whole keeping in touch lark (well, LJ’d be more useful if I spent less time faffing on FB … and yes, I’m going to bed. Now.

Yay! 1500+ words that might even vaguely make sense, in 4’n’alf hours. I may actually make it through uni. yet. :}

‘Night peeps.

Written by 7rin

Thu, 2 September, 2010 at 4:31 am

Posted in Explanations

Tagged with ,

Linking posterity

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Reposting for posterity, because I think the links are so very much worthy. :)

[7rin] loves being on the Answer hidden due to its low rating list so hilariously often, and with such fantastically good company. :D

The question the base link in the post pointed at is: “So what exactly is my alternative to adoption in my situation?” over @

Answer of the century award goes to Tish however, for her reply on the What makes someone a mother? question asked over @

Sunny posted, asking:

What makes someone a mother?

Another poster on Y!A said this:

“The act of pushing out a baby does not make someone a mother.”

So what does?

tish_part deux‘s reply:

so…since the act of pushing out a baby doesn’t make one a mother, why the need for non-pushers to be on BIRTH certificates?

speaking of “birthing” these are the same folk who believe ALL BABIES have two mommy’s: a birthmother and a “real” forever family mother…

the idea that some mothers actually can become such without the use of another woman’s womb, is lost on some of these folks.

also, since the act of pushing out a baby is so diminished in the continuum of “mothering” they why do people spend gazillions of dollars to get knocked up in a lab, just to “push out a baby.”

personally, i have always thought that the “pushing out a baby doesn’t…’ banter was most often rhetoric from those who CAN’T PUSH…

i also find that those who can’t push, try to shift the “mother” definition to control for the ONLY variable which excludes them: the ability to conceive, gestated, and give birth to the child they are “mothering..”

so, i’ll try this:

a mother is one who:

conceived a child
gestated a child
birthed a child
nursed/nurtured a child
raised a child
loved a child

5/6==great mom
4/6==good mom
3/6==good enough, mom
2/6==try much harder, mom
1/6==give it up, mom

SUPERMOM who conceived, gestated, pushed, nursed, and raised my own children.

i’ll take my super mother prize in gift cards to nieman marcus…

Written by 7rin

Wed, 25 August, 2010 at 3:51 am

Posted in Explanations

Tagged with , , ,

What would 7rin do?

with 13 comments

During one of my recent sojourns on to one of the pro-adoption sites on Facebook, I was asked by someone I’d been debating the adoption issue with why I fight, and what I think should actually happen instead. This isn’t the first time (today even) that I’ve been asked this question, but this time when I answered, I remembered to CTRL+C so that I could CTRL+V over here, and turn this into a post. Thus, the following is the answer to the question asked in the title (wrt adoption, obviously).

Fwiw, I’m all for protecting the kids that need protecting, and if that means removing kids from abusive situations, then so be it. However, there is a massive difference between finding homes for those kids who really have needed to be removed from unsafe situations, to soliciting pregnant women for their babies because you can afford to buy such a purchase.

Traditionally, parent considering adoption (aside from those who really don’t care about their kids, and who’re probably only carrying to term because they found out too late to get an abortion) do so because they’ve brought into at least one of the many perpetuated lies.

One example lie is that “children need a mom and a dad”. Now admittedly, having two parents who love you and want you IS the ideal, however, that does NOT mean that living with a caring, loving single parent will necessarily inhibit your life chances. This lie is further confounded by the fact that there are now many single parent adoptions.

Another example lie is that “kids born to poor parents would be better off with better off parents”. This is absolute bunkum – and more so in the economically uncertain world that we’re living in today, since even the well-off can suddenly find themselves plunged into (relative) poverty, either due to redundancy, illness, etc. Also, this lie ignores the fact that living with genetic strangers takes a toll on EVERY child (which isn’t to say that no child adapts), and is SECOND-BEST to growing up surrounded by the genetic mirroring that ones own biological family can provide.

Yet even in the circumstances where a child does need removing from its own biological family for its own safety, I still disagree with adoption, since all adoption currently does is create a legalised lie that pretends the child is born to the adoptive parents, and in the process obliterates the child’s genetic heritage. This is entirely unnecessary, and only serves to reinforce the idealisation of those who want a “blank slate” baby to pretend they’re their own. Babies, even those who are taken in by someone else from birth, and NOT “blank slates”, they come pre-programmed with personalities and foibles that living life simply builds upon, and pretending that they are blank slates is to do the child a massive disservice as it means that they have to live yet more of a lie, and are expected to become someone other than who they really are.

What I’d like to see is a change to the documentation that we adoptees come with, in which we do NOT lose our genetic heritage, but instead INCORPORATE our newly adoptive lives WITH our own genetic heritage. One way to do this would be to stop reissuing the birth certificate perpetuating the legalised lies of being born to someone other than who we were born to, and instead acquire an adoption certificate (which we get over here in the UK, and I *think* happens in at least some of the states in America) that has spaces to include ALL of our parents on it. That way, the child does not have to grow up not knowing who they originate from (I would’ve cheerfully killed as a kid just to know what my parents names are/were), and it would help prevent those adopters who refuse to inform the child of their own heritage from doing so (which can lead to all kinds of medical ramifications).

I’ll stop here, but please, if you have any questions, feel free to ask, ’cause I’m all for intelligent discussion on the issue.

The last sentence is also aimed at anyone who reads this post that I’m writing in here. I’d also like any comments about how or why you think things should be done differently to the suggestions I’ve already made.

Written by 7rin

Wed, 18 August, 2010 at 5:50 pm

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